relational unsafety , stored trauma and avoidant whims

maybe i am thinking about myself too much

it’s been awfully easy lately for me to get sucked into the algorithmic cesspool of echo chambers on the gram. being accessible to absolutely everyone who texts me all the time and doomscrolling through opinions that only exist on the internet for years on end has given me a unique kind of brain damage which is so personal to me, combined with the current worldview I have in life right now ; it’s given me a sense of spiritual relief and immediate clarity to get off my socials and go back to the age old method of using phones for what they were made for - calling , connecting and occasional entertainment.

so i’m turning 25 by the end of this month , and my prefrontal cortex has just developed and a certain sense of biological reproductive urgency has snapped back into place for me. i feel these overwhelming surges of love through my body and my need to connect to people - in a romantic and platonic sense and just being seen meaningful in that way has become high on the priority list for me at this stage of my life but i am not exactly navigating it with a steady hand.

as a person who’s particularly overly attached to the avoidant attachment style identity I have of myself , feeling openly and easily affectionate towards people especially when it doesn’t make sense because it’s new and it’s beyond logic is just too much for my nervous system to handle .

this younger guy told me he loves me and it sent shock waves through my system. he didn’t mean it obviously. but it’s clearly how my internal landscape and nervous system still equates love with a fragile sense of vulnerability , control and abuse and an inherent unsafety is what’s surprising to me. because frankly i don’t think i love him either. i don’t believe i’ve loved anyone my entire life on this planet , i’ve just loved ideas of unavailable men.

and my body could clock this dude was out to hurt me , so it induced sickness in me to tell me . it is true that i equate love with a sense of unsafety. but it is also true that he’s objectively discerningly unsafe to connect to because he’s unavailable , unreachable and so obviously my surges of affection towards him told me he is absolutely incapable of giving me what I need because i have a pattern of loving men when they’re either unavailable or manipulative

and when they come with a sense of safety - i am the one to leave.